Programmer 101

Programmers have come a long way in thirty years. Beards are no longer compulsory, science fiction is optional and punch-cards are just something mad old men mutter about in corners of forgotten ale-houses. Most modern-day coders are 'daylight-capable'; some can even handle non-technical chatter for literally sentences at a time.

Despite the unquestionable progress, we're still a misunderstood lot. No longer. Welcome to "Programmer 101".

Let's get the big fella out of the way. The first question a non-programmer might ask is :-

Q "How did you ever get into these dire professional straits?"
A : The short answer - mostly by accident. Time for an expansion :-

People are not born programmers - even in 2006 there is a universal lack of USB compatibility in human new-borns.

Most of us were ensnared by the charms of some fetching little 8-bit number at an early age. They were mysterious, infernal little contraptions requiring a lot of work to operate, and got bigger and better every year. You had to read manuals, type commands in by hand and solve puzzles as you went. Every computer user in the 1980s was a programmer, whether they knew it or not.

Making the conscious decision to become a programmer is a surprisingly easy decision. It gets you out of the house, and it’s not exactly difficult – especially since the first year of every computer degree involves hapless lecturers running courses like "Computer Monitor or TV? : Simple Ways To Tell the Difference".

University, like actually getting paid for something you'd be doing anyway, is a bit of a no-brainer.

Q : Science Fiction is optional. Surely that's untrue?
A : Coders can operate without Sci-Fi, but without the fighting spirit of James T. Kirk, the grammatically-dislocated wisdom of Master Yoda or the time-travelling prowess of the Doctor ( what do you think legacy code is? ) it is difficult to see how they could ever become truly successful.

Q : At which stage in your careers do you have "people skills" removed?
A : Many will think that the limited interpersonal capabilities of a programmer are the direct and tragic result of prolonged periods of time without human contact. This may be true.

Really though, programmers are control freaks by default. The job involves telling a computer exactly what to do, mostly with success. People are a whole lot harder to work with by comparison. We’re trying, though.

Q : What are the good things about the job?
A : It's fun to come to work to solve puzzles and create things.
It's also a real buzz whenever your brain delivers the goods, rendering you a hero for the day.

Q : And finally, the bad?
The power of creation has its down-side. Whenever you see one of us really ticked-off, it's normally because the thing we've created has become a mutated monster running rampant in a live environment. These little worlds we create are reflections of ourselves, so it's a pretty personal experience to see one of them turn into a bomb-site by your own command.

Finally, the worst thing about programmer is that normal people just don't know anything about being a programmer. Hopefully, with "Programmer 101", you'll know us just a little bit better.